Good Fight with Spar Cards
Good Fight with Spar Cards: A Tool and Technique for Awareness & Reconciliation
What Is Good Fight and Why:
I created Good Fight in 2015 out of necessity when I found my partner and myself at a crossroads. Despite the murky sense that mutual love and respect were present, we were unable to have a conversation without fighting or feeling offended, and my partner from my understanding had an aversion to couples' therapy at the time I suggested it.
Guided by my intuition, the love I felt for my partner and my desire for our clear communication, I created a simple system that effectively allowed us to engage in the conversation we needed to have in order to negotiate the contract of our relationship in that moment, without the usual escalations, the needless and painful woundings which would lead to distracting us from the real work that must at times be done in all relationships: calmly and clearly negotiate boundaries as they change, and collaborate through triggering times.
Three years later, I realize that what I initially created held more wisdom than I was even aware of at the time. As I've begun teaching people how to intentionally communicate with their loved ones, to parse through complex emotions and confounding negotiations in their relationships with their partners, children, siblings, friends, and exes, I see how profound this tool and technique can be for those who are trapped in the painful cycle of escalation, wounding & distraction.
You can have the contract of your relationship negotiated by a third party, your therapist, and there is plenty to gain from counseling. An outside perspective can be just what is needed. However, you may still come away from therapy feeling disconnected from your partner, feeling disempowered or even worse, dependent on your therapist to be the arbiter of good or bad news in your relationship. And even after all disputes have been settled, you may still not have learned how to communicate effectively. If we reach our negotiation but we are still triggering each other consciously or unconsciously, we will still feel hurt, offended, turned off and retracted.
GooD Talk is a training ground for you and your partner to experience each other's threshold for trigger while in safety and commitment. You and your partner will "trigger train" each other! Yes, I know this sounds terrible, but this is truly a path to peace in your home. When triggers are nonverbal, they may go unnoticed and you feel gaslighted. When you use Good Fight, it's your job to gently bring awareness of these triggers to each other, great and small. This practice of this training opens up worlds of possibility and healing in your communication, your relationship, and your life.
The more you practice this method, using the tools and technique as I lay it out for you, lovingly and intentionally, the more real safety and trust you will bring into your relationship. You will feel empowered. You will stop hiding from each other. You will stop hiding in the world.
What are Spar Cards:
Spar Cards are the simple tool I created around which I developed the method of Good Fight.